i am coming apart
like thhe discs are forced together
i can feeel the pressure
it spllinters and breaks
i turn away to leave
i can hear the laughter
it chases me away
it pproudly taunts me
i turn to face it, and it has left me
i mmove on and it returns
it grabs my neeck
the Ggrip is firm
as it presses i feel as thoough
it must give way
the ddisks are slipping
as am i
when it becomes too strong
i want to scream
i want to let go
but my my grip is firm
Ok. I'm over it now. I'm not depressed or anything. I just had a bad day last friday. I jotted this down in a notebook. Yes, it's very bad poetry. It's overdramatic and under-creative. I hope none of my artistic friends read this, or they will even less of my creative abilities. I didn't write this for them. Or maybe I did. Or else why am i publishing it on a blog. Sometimes when you're hurting, you want someone to notice. I behaved like a little child last week, screaming for attention and making a jerk of myself. Sorry. More details coming soon...
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Monday, September 25, 2006
Unveiling Ourselves
It's been a long time; I seem to always start posts out this way. I'll dispense with the pleasantries and excuses. I'm here as usual because I have a lot on my mind. I always do this. I let things pile up on me until I feel the need to just vomit all my thoughts out on the first innocent victim. The nicest thing about this blog is that no one reads it. It's like a journal, but I can have the deception of writing to someone else. I always struggle writing in a real journal. Who am I writing to? I have a prayer journal, but that's part of what's bothering me, I don't know how to go to God. How do I approach the Almighty? I'm instantly inundated with thoughts of verses and words of wisdom I've heard over the years. I'm certain they are all true and good, but I can't piece them together. I just want to be able to pray. It happened the other day, but I'm not sure how.
One problem I have is understanding my relationship to God. Christian writers and thinkers push very paradoxical ideas on this question. God is infinitely above us. His omnipresence is beyond simply being everywhere; He is so everpresent because he transcends space. God is not material and cannot therefore be contained in material space. God's omnipotence puts all of the universe in a constant and eternal state of dependence on Him. If God has the power to do whatever he wills, what could compete with that power. Therefore we only exist because he wills us to. He upholds us, keeps us existing. He is the divine constant. His omniscience comes from existing outside of time. He holds all of the cards and can see everything play out. Not as though he is given a vision of what is to come (who would give God said vision), but he actually sees the "future" as the present. Time, as C.S. Lewis said, is a line. God is the page containing that line. What do I bring before this God?
Yet, despite all of these things, God has revealed himself in other ways. The God who is omnipresent and beyond space was confined (how exactly I can't understand) to the body of a man. The omnipotent will conceded "Not my will, but yours." Finally, the God who could not be contained in a temple because the "heavens are [His] throne, the earth [His] footstool," has chosen his dwellingplace on earth. He says that it is in the hearts of man. He is inside me. He is above me, around me. Am I to talk to the Spirit inside me, the Spirit who searches me and knows my heart, who tests me and knows my anxious thoughts. What do I bring to God?
C.S. Lewis suggests that prayer is "unveiling" ourselves before God. God may know everything about us in the same way He does any other object in creation, but it is through prayer that we "make ourselves known to God." We become persons before Him, and He before us. Not that the divine constant changes, but we are able to see Him as a person if you will. The theology breaks down as divinity and depravity collide. I'm terrified of the encounter I think. I don't really know. I have much more on many other topics, but for now, I need sleep. Farewell.
Our Father who art in Heaven
Hallowed be Your name.
Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive us our sins
As we forgive those who sin against us.
Lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil,
For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory
Forever and ever. Amen.
One problem I have is understanding my relationship to God. Christian writers and thinkers push very paradoxical ideas on this question. God is infinitely above us. His omnipresence is beyond simply being everywhere; He is so everpresent because he transcends space. God is not material and cannot therefore be contained in material space. God's omnipotence puts all of the universe in a constant and eternal state of dependence on Him. If God has the power to do whatever he wills, what could compete with that power. Therefore we only exist because he wills us to. He upholds us, keeps us existing. He is the divine constant. His omniscience comes from existing outside of time. He holds all of the cards and can see everything play out. Not as though he is given a vision of what is to come (who would give God said vision), but he actually sees the "future" as the present. Time, as C.S. Lewis said, is a line. God is the page containing that line. What do I bring before this God?
Yet, despite all of these things, God has revealed himself in other ways. The God who is omnipresent and beyond space was confined (how exactly I can't understand) to the body of a man. The omnipotent will conceded "Not my will, but yours." Finally, the God who could not be contained in a temple because the "heavens are [His] throne, the earth [His] footstool," has chosen his dwellingplace on earth. He says that it is in the hearts of man. He is inside me. He is above me, around me. Am I to talk to the Spirit inside me, the Spirit who searches me and knows my heart, who tests me and knows my anxious thoughts. What do I bring to God?
C.S. Lewis suggests that prayer is "unveiling" ourselves before God. God may know everything about us in the same way He does any other object in creation, but it is through prayer that we "make ourselves known to God." We become persons before Him, and He before us. Not that the divine constant changes, but we are able to see Him as a person if you will. The theology breaks down as divinity and depravity collide. I'm terrified of the encounter I think. I don't really know. I have much more on many other topics, but for now, I need sleep. Farewell.
Our Father who art in Heaven
Hallowed be Your name.
Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive us our sins
As we forgive those who sin against us.
Lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil,
For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory
Forever and ever. Amen.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Hello from Singapore
Hey everyone. For those of you who don't know, I'm on my way to Indonesia for 10 days on a mission trip. For security reasons, I can't really give any more details that. I mainly just said that just because it sounds cool. I'm in Singapore right now at the airport, but it really doen't feel like I'm in a foreign country. Everything's in English and I just ate burger king with Garland while we watched Sports Center. We are stuck in the international zone, so I'm sure this area caters to Americans more than the rest of Singapore.
Garland and I met an amazing group from texas on their way to Africa for relief work. They're Christians, and it was really cool the instant connection we had. We began talking and their leader insisted on buying our lunch; they were quite an encouragement. The body is everywhere. Please pray for that group as well as a ours.
I love you guys, and I'll try to keep you updated.
Garland and I met an amazing group from texas on their way to Africa for relief work. They're Christians, and it was really cool the instant connection we had. We began talking and their leader insisted on buying our lunch; they were quite an encouragement. The body is everywhere. Please pray for that group as well as a ours.
I love you guys, and I'll try to keep you updated.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Talking Muffins
Well it has been quite some time hasn't it? I have attempted to get on here and blog several times. I actually started like three different posts and scrapped them about two sentences in. I wasn't sure why that was. I've had a lot weighing down on me, and I felt like I really wanted to talk about those issues in my posts. I just never could get a handle on them when I started writing. I tried just starting with how I was doing, but even this seemed entirely too complicated. What's changed since then? I've gotten really busy. Being busy kinda numbs me a bit; it's how I deal with stress. I block everything else out and become a task oriented machine. When I do this I'm able to really not care as much about what I'm doing. This sounds terrible I know, but it's almost a whimsical felling. It's not as if I really don't care; I just become detached. In a nearly flighty manner I simply do. It's how I stay sane. I quit thinking as much and just do what's right in front of me. Tomorrow can wait its turn.
What does this have to do with me blogging all of a sudden. Well my light hearted, detached frame of mind has put a little space between me and my problems. They might come out in this post, they might be completely ignored while I choose instead to tell a joke about talking muffins.
I am a very self-contradictory person. I'm an engineer, a linear thinker, someone who likes everything to have its place in a systematic and manageable way. Yet I am a romantic, a mystic, and an idealist. I love to be swept up in something bigger than me. I love to see freedom, beauty, truth, and love conveyed in a simple, raw, and unabashed way. I love getting embarrassingly giddy about stuff. Sometimes I think people are just way too cool, too afraid to show their real feelings to people. I love to screw being intellectual and modern, critical and elitist, all for the sake of being kind to someone; I love seeing people get along. I love happy endings. People say they're sick of happy endings; my life will have a happy ending. This world will have a happy ending. I heard once that creation was groaning and eargerly awaiting for the sons of God to be revealed; sounds big. All things said I'm quite content with my head in the clouds of romantic happy endings.
While this contradicting quality makes for the comicaly confused clown that I am, there is a rub. Many times the idealistic world simply can't fit into a reasonable and systematic mold (although C.S. Lewis comes the closest to marrying the two worlds off). I have found myself in one such situation as of late.
A little ways into the fall semester I became very passionate about finding a church home for college students. I believed college students could "change the world." In fact I was witnessing them doing it. I watched as my friends poured their hearts out into the lives of others through the church we grew up with and other ministries. They were transforming the world, one person at a time. However, I didn't see anyone pouring into them. There is a big push where I come from for college students to stand up on there own two feet. "No one needs to take you by the hand any more." While I see that this is true, there is a lot of standing up on your own that is inherent in becoming a college student. And as I watched students attempt to do this, I saw a problem. Many of the on campus ministries are wonderful, but they are mobilization style ministries. These ministries serve as a pushing force behind students urging them forward. As I watched others try to stand with forces behind them and a goal ahead, they quickly fell because their was nothing below them. The foundation was pulled from under their feet. What was missing was a church home.
Without droning on much longer with details, for a list of reasons I could not possibly fit in here, we moved forward with a college ministry at my home church. A foundation that students could stand on, and a place that I believe God did wonders through this year. Fact is, some of my friends faced some tough times this year, and no, they didn't need anyone to hold their hand. They needed someone to hold them close and carry them for a while. They needed the Body of Christ.
Now for the rub. We don't have the resources for a college ministry. We don't have a building to meet in next fall. We don't have any money for a staff position. My church is about to go from 3 student services to 6. I'm nothing special as a worship leader. Below average singer, sub-par guitar player, and I'm rubbish at talking in front of people. However, as far as numbers go they need as many people as they can get in the non-college student services. It just doesn't make sense to spend hours on 25 college students when the same amount of time could go to 1000 or something 6-12 grade students. None of it seems to add up. If it's about being good stewards of resources, college ministry might not be where it's at. But I believe in this. I believe God could do something great in it.
I don't know where I'm going. Not now, not tomorrow, not five years from now. It's terrifying. I want to be a part of something grand. But what if I forget what I'm working for. I'm terrified that I'll find myself running to stand still. But for now all I know to do is just put my head down and keep moving forward.
Now for talking muffins.
Two muffins are in an oven, and one says, "Whoa! It's hot in here!" and the other one says, "Oh my gosh! It's a talking muffin!"
Have a great day.
What does this have to do with me blogging all of a sudden. Well my light hearted, detached frame of mind has put a little space between me and my problems. They might come out in this post, they might be completely ignored while I choose instead to tell a joke about talking muffins.
I am a very self-contradictory person. I'm an engineer, a linear thinker, someone who likes everything to have its place in a systematic and manageable way. Yet I am a romantic, a mystic, and an idealist. I love to be swept up in something bigger than me. I love to see freedom, beauty, truth, and love conveyed in a simple, raw, and unabashed way. I love getting embarrassingly giddy about stuff. Sometimes I think people are just way too cool, too afraid to show their real feelings to people. I love to screw being intellectual and modern, critical and elitist, all for the sake of being kind to someone; I love seeing people get along. I love happy endings. People say they're sick of happy endings; my life will have a happy ending. This world will have a happy ending. I heard once that creation was groaning and eargerly awaiting for the sons of God to be revealed; sounds big. All things said I'm quite content with my head in the clouds of romantic happy endings.
While this contradicting quality makes for the comicaly confused clown that I am, there is a rub. Many times the idealistic world simply can't fit into a reasonable and systematic mold (although C.S. Lewis comes the closest to marrying the two worlds off). I have found myself in one such situation as of late.
A little ways into the fall semester I became very passionate about finding a church home for college students. I believed college students could "change the world." In fact I was witnessing them doing it. I watched as my friends poured their hearts out into the lives of others through the church we grew up with and other ministries. They were transforming the world, one person at a time. However, I didn't see anyone pouring into them. There is a big push where I come from for college students to stand up on there own two feet. "No one needs to take you by the hand any more." While I see that this is true, there is a lot of standing up on your own that is inherent in becoming a college student. And as I watched students attempt to do this, I saw a problem. Many of the on campus ministries are wonderful, but they are mobilization style ministries. These ministries serve as a pushing force behind students urging them forward. As I watched others try to stand with forces behind them and a goal ahead, they quickly fell because their was nothing below them. The foundation was pulled from under their feet. What was missing was a church home.
Without droning on much longer with details, for a list of reasons I could not possibly fit in here, we moved forward with a college ministry at my home church. A foundation that students could stand on, and a place that I believe God did wonders through this year. Fact is, some of my friends faced some tough times this year, and no, they didn't need anyone to hold their hand. They needed someone to hold them close and carry them for a while. They needed the Body of Christ.
Now for the rub. We don't have the resources for a college ministry. We don't have a building to meet in next fall. We don't have any money for a staff position. My church is about to go from 3 student services to 6. I'm nothing special as a worship leader. Below average singer, sub-par guitar player, and I'm rubbish at talking in front of people. However, as far as numbers go they need as many people as they can get in the non-college student services. It just doesn't make sense to spend hours on 25 college students when the same amount of time could go to 1000 or something 6-12 grade students. None of it seems to add up. If it's about being good stewards of resources, college ministry might not be where it's at. But I believe in this. I believe God could do something great in it.
I don't know where I'm going. Not now, not tomorrow, not five years from now. It's terrifying. I want to be a part of something grand. But what if I forget what I'm working for. I'm terrified that I'll find myself running to stand still. But for now all I know to do is just put my head down and keep moving forward.
Now for talking muffins.
Two muffins are in an oven, and one says, "Whoa! It's hot in here!" and the other one says, "Oh my gosh! It's a talking muffin!"
Have a great day.
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