Giving Yourself Away

Well I had posted this on the CFP blog, but it clearly got no exposure there. I've had quite a bit on my mind lately. I think I may be going through what some would call a crisis of faith. That may not be the right term, but something big is happening. I can't really put my finger on it, so I won't say too much. I can tell you this, what I believe is in no way in danger. It has more to do with how I'm supposed to respond to what I believe, how my faith is supposed to flesh out. This first semester in college has shown me lot about who I am, and I'm feeling a bit exposed. All of this is only to say I've been learning a lot, some at a pace that I cannot dream of keeping up with. Today I would like to share with you all one lesson I have been learning that seems quite elementary, but like all things of principle relevance carries a depth that demands more extensive reflection.

Facebook is a glorious thing. It connects people in ways that we could not have dreamed of only a short while ago. Many of you grew up together; you experienced elementary school through high school together with the joys and pangs of adolescence scattered throughout. My growing up was slightly more fragmented. I went to public school in Conway from 1st to 3rd grade, and then went the route of homeschooling and eventually a small Christian school. Finally, in 6th grade my family moved to Northwest Arkansas, where I attended junior high at Shiloh Christian and then Springdale High School. I know it's nothing near the quick amount of change that one hears about in military families and the sort, but I think in some respects, this was worse. I was in each environment for either 3 or 4 years; this gave me just enough time to develop some close ties before they were cut off. I found my life existing in multiple worlds. Each of these existed with different characters and themes, and each of these faded to an evanescent memory that would rarely be revisited.

Enter facebook. Out of seemingly nowhere, friend requests show up coupled with messages of "Holy crap, it's been like 40 years!" With each of these requests, at least a dozen memories resurface, and I am faced with the daunting reality that the worlds that I have left behind did not cease to exist and grow upon my parting. I can't tell you how many names I have clicked on expecting a 4th grade face to appear before me. Yet these faces have grown into those of a nearly adult world, and each one seems to carry the story of its coming of age. Though not my primary lesson to take home, it was a subtle reminder that the world does not revolve around me. I have a tendency to ignore the weight of events that do not directly affect me, to the point that I am completely unaware that they take place at all.

However, these faces carry another small miracle. Upon one glance at a face I’ve not seen in years, those misty memories begin to take shape. I am suddenly back on the bark turfed playground, running to the monkey bars. This was where Hunter and I would hang out. We would grab one bar and perform our magic. Each foot was thrown upward to catch the bar ahead. We would then pull our torsos to the sky and slide each elbow on top of the wooden frame. Finally, we forced our 7 year old frames through the foot and a half gap between bars. Here we found our thrones, our tower on which we could oversee the chaotic world below.

This memory is a simple one. It has no strong emotional attachments. However, as I looked on the faces of my best friends of the year before I moved away, I was reminded of my last day in Conway. I was always kind of an odd-ball, but at Conway Christian School, I really fit in. For possibly the first time in my life I really felt like I belonged. Then it was taken away from me. I have not dwelt on the memory of my last day in Conway much since then. I have scarcely recalled the memory that tells of my friends’ farewell. In fact with each passing day the lines that separate the bodies from the air between them had blurred. I could only see that which was once a long goodbye in a few frames of flashback, and they’re all in third person. Isn’t that odd; think back on a memory from years ago. You will likely see yourself standing there, acting out the scene. Have the years of separation caused us to completely loose the images that our eyes gave to us? Nonetheless, this was all I had retained from that day, until I again saw the faces. The inundation of emotions and sensations hit me in an instant. I can now remember the exact glaze in a few friends’ eyes, the saltiness in my throat that I fought down.

It was a cold, cloudy day in January; everything carried a blue hue. At the private school, we all had on our navy pleated pants and gray school sweatshirts. I don’t believe guys had really gotten to the point of being comfortable with a good hug yet, making the whole thing quite awkward. We would look at each other and spout out ready made phrases, “I’ll be back to visit all the time” and that sort of thing. Of course the girls effusively poured out their farewells in apocalyptic proportion, some of these coming from those I didn’t really know that well. I guess it was the drama of the semester for this 400 student school. There was a party, a few tears, and a lot of unkept promises to stay in touch. One thing was true though, I genuinely felt like these people would miss me as much as I would miss them.

A connection has been made. My childhood has been coming back to me in gulps for the past several months, and I’m finding new parts of myself, parts that I had left behind with the friends that new them. And that’s the rub. When you get close to someone, you give them a small part of yourself. My childhood friends retain in them memories of purity, fun, and freedom from worry. When I left them, I left a part of myself, but it was redeemable. My current fear for today is that I am not giving enough of myself away. Without investing time in friends, creating memories to forget and one day rediscover, I lose this method of self-preservation. I very well may look back in ten years and wonder what happened to the young man who walked onto the U of A’s campus in the fall of 2005. Only the others who walked there with me will have the answers.

I believe Christ intended for us to depend on each other in this way. When he sat down on his last day to walk freely on the earth, he sat with his twelve closest friends. At this meal he sent one resounding message to the world, love each other. He said it three times. Christ clearly thought this essential to our walk.

I know I haven’t spent much time with you guys this semester, but I intend for that to change.